Beating up Mom

I’ve already told you not to blame yourself and not to blame the entire opposite sex. Unfortunately, these days, I may need to remind you not to blame anybody else either: not your parents or your first grade teacher or your baby-sitter.

If you think you’ve got a problem because of something that someone did or didn’t do at an earlier time in your life, ask yourself whether there is anything you could ask of that person now — other than an apology — that would help you. (Styles of parenting change every ten years or so, which means everybody gets caught. Most of our parents did the best they could with what they had, and the rules keep changing.) If you think your mental health and dating abilities would be helped if you had a better relationship with your dad, get baseball tickets and invite him, but don’t expect him to apologize for the person he is. He may not have been the perfect dad, but you may not have been the perfect kid, either, so let it go. Or find a therapist.

If talking to your mom about the things she told you about sex would help — and if you can manage such a discussion without making her feel defensive or guilty — go for it. If you can’t manage it without making her feel bad, you’ll end up feeling awful, too. Then what have you accomplished? Blame locks you in the past and makes someone right and someone wrong, which means it’s likely that someone’s going to fight you if you’re blaming them, or if you’re doing the “it’s all my fault” routine, you’re making yourself unhappy. Who needs it? So go to a therapist or go to a ball game, but whatever you do, get on with it. Figure out what to do differently and let’s go.

Beating yourself up

Beating yourself up is a waste of time and painful, and because you’re the only person you are guaranteed to be with your whole life, why hurt yourself?  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t take stock when something has gone really wrong (see Chapter 23). Who needs to walk into a propeller blade more than once?

Instead of beating yourself up, why not ask yourself what you could do differently next time? Make sure your answer is very, very specific.

Vowing never again

I have nothing against your taking a vow of chastity if you plan to enter a life of service and quiet contemplation, but why then did you buy a book about dating? This book is Dating For Dummies, not Dating For Those Headed For the Priesthood or a Convent, so cut it out. Don’t disguise a pity party in clerical robes. It’s okay to take a break from dating if you wish, but don’t kid yourself as to the reasons. Deciding that you’ll never date again may be a thinly veiled hatred of the opposite sex: Poor little you is just too fragile to get mauled by “them.”

Hey, if you’ve got a leaky pipe and you call a plumber and she doesn’t fix it, does that mean you just let your basement fill up? I think not. You call another plumber. (All right, smart aleck, I can hear you saying, “Okay, I’ll fix it myself.” Yeah, yeah, that’s the problem about analogies, not to say plumbing. What if I made it an electrical problem?) The point is, no need to blame, just figure out what’s going on.

Swearing off the opposite sex so that you can catch your breath or if you’ve just come out of a tough situation is not only fine, but wise. But don’t confuse this break with fear or hatred. You need to be aware of your feelings so that you can use that big fancy cortex on top of all your other organs — including your heart — to figure out what’s going on.